Ham & Egger

I've never been the "best" at anything. I've been good at some things, but never the best. I mean,  I was a former Division I athlete, but was never all that great..Truth be told, I played for some of the worst teams in the "best" divisions in Collegiate Athletics. I've never been the fastest, strongest, or smartest athlete. I was never the tallest, biggest, or top recruited athlete. No records to speak of, no accolades that were all that impressive..I was just.. good. The fact of the matter was, I only was able to be a collegiate athlete because I worked pretty hard. You might beat me in a race, or lift more weight than me in the weight room, but I will "out-grind" you..every time. I will use your strength against you, I will sneak up on you..and eventually..I will out perform you. I'll beat you.This type of thinking..ethic..is applauded in our society. Hard work is a good thing. I still believe that.

You see, I'm just a Ham & Egger. I'm not the cream of the crop of..anything. I have found that if I work hard enough,(harder than you), Prepare longer,(longer than you), and stop at nothing,(you will), I will obtain some degree of success. And people like winners..a lot. And I won..some..and I became that image..and that image was(is)..me. Success was everything, because my degree of success was ME. My identity.If this went away, so did the reason people liked me. Applauded me. My acceptance was based on my performance. Success was life. Failure was death. It was true in my youth in athletics, and it was true in adulthood in business. Unfortunately, this was (is), also true of my spiritual relationship with God. How could it not be? Everything I knew, understood, and cherished was based on my performance. This is reinforced by business peers, their compliments and "slap on the backs' after every successful Real Estate venture. And their silence is deafening with every financial stumble...and I would die a little with each stumble..which led to me working harder to"get it back" all of it. Ham & Eggers do that you know. We Chase.

What I know now, that I did not know then, is that as a Ham & Egger, I wasn't chasing after a starting position on the field, or being top developer in my community later in life. No..I was chasing after acceptance that would never satisfy, and trying to measure up in the eyes of someone or something that I never could. If I am honest and look back over my life, this has been the over arching theme of my life. Achievement...or lack thereof. I have always been trying to gain acceptance or measure up..and it just never seemed to be good enough. Seemed no matter what endeavor I undertook, I never seemed to be able to..quite get there. This was true in Athletics, business,relationships, and especially..God.

Yes, God loved me..gave this hopeless Ham & Egger a way out of an eternal Hell I deserved. But I was directly or indirectly told..for 25 years told.."now what are you going to do for God?" That my performance would determine my love for Him..What's a Ham & Egger to do? Well..succeed..cause if the world loves a winner, then God loves one too. Now, I had to perform for my toughest critic yet..The Creator of Everything. No pressure. I approached my "relationship" with God and my, "walk", like I did with everything else in life, because, frankly-the only difference was the stakes were higher.So, I chased God, I worked hard at understanding the "correct" doctrine. Caught on quickly, the Christian lingo and proper attire.  I would prove to God that He didn't make a mistake in me, that I would not be a Ham & Egger Christian! He would see that I was worth loving, He would be proud of me, I was going to be a winner for Him..Yes..I would be a Christian..and if anything is worth doing..

In short, I lived a miserable, guilt-ridden, sorry excuse for a Christian for the next 25 years. 25 years of being pounded over the head with every ounce of the weight of God's law. 25 years of never knowing God's love for me, only His wrath, which I was no longer under. 25 years of trying to earn the acceptance and love of my Heavenly Father, that I already had through His Son. 25 years of thinking not only was God disappointed in me..He didn't even like me much. Sure, technically He had to forgive me..but forget?..well..25 years of never hearing of God's amazing grace and love..25 years of complete and utter failure..again..I could not do it..like everything else..I just wasn't good enough..never quite made it..a Ham & Egger. Now..I've let God down.

I know I am not the only one with this type of story. There are others who have struggled with self-hate and feelings of not being accepted or loved unless you could please that parent or friend or..well fill in the blank. Feelings of never quite arriving. The good news of the Gospel announces that God loves Ham & Eggers, because, as it turns out, Ham & Eggers are all there are. The Gospel proclaims that we are accepted, loved, and forever pleasing, based on the performance of another. This news never gets old, or stale to Ham & Eggers..we bank on it. God's announcement of love for me, a love that states He would rather die than be without me? That God is not mad at me, that He not only loves me-but likes me? That He cherishes time with me and calls me..beloved? If being a Ham & Egger means that I have a King that is perfectly satisfied with me, and longs to be with..Me? Well..call me a Ham & Egger..

My Lord, My God...A Look at Psalm 7

The heart of the believer..We hear a lot about this.I'm sure we have all heard statements like these, "It really is about your heart.." or ".. guard your heart.."We know the prophet Jeremiah said this about the heart in Jeremiah 17:9," The heart is deceitful and wicked, who can understand it." Not me. I know some theology, but I am not a Theologian. But, I do know this, My heart has more to do with God than it does with me, and it has everything to do with how I view my status before God. In other words..how do I view my relationship with God? More importantly, how does God view His relationship with me?

In Psalm 7, David is having a conversation with God. It begins interestingly enough with, "O' Lord, O' God, in you, do I take refuge." It appears David has been wrongly accused of Treason and Treachery. David is being slandered by formidable enemies who want his head. He gets right to the point, in what he wants-"save me", and, "deliver me." David in subsequent verses describes what his enemies will do to him and is crying out to the Lord for deliverance. Even going as far as pleading his innocence to the Lord and to take him out if he is wrong in verses 3-5. Verses 8-16 finds David describing the evil doers and there schemes and then wrapping it up with God dealing with them and David's praise and worship of God's steadfastness. His faithfulness. Why? Because He is Holy and just. Oh..but verses 6 and 7. My eyes keep going to these verses. Take a look:

     Verse 6: Arise O'Lord, in your anger; lift yourself up in the fury of your enemies;
                   Awake for me; you have appointed a judgement.
    Verse 7: Let the assembly of the peoples be gathered about you; over it return on high.

Here's the thing. I've read the Psalms..I love them. But what gets me..what absolutely stops me in my tracks is David's understanding of who he was with God. His understanding of who God is and how God viewed and thought of him, is breathtaking to me. Verse 1: O'Lord, O'God..David shamelessly cries out to his only hope- The Creator. I cannot help but to be reminded of Jesus crying out on the Cross to the Father, "My God, My God!, Why have you forsaken me?"(Matthew 27:46). Sound familiar? David cried out the same thing in Psalm 22:1.  The 2nd half of verse 6-"Awake for me.' Now, I'm not a preacher..I didn't go to seminary,(Thank God!), but it appears David is saying, "Where are you?" "Are you asleep? " Do you have any idea what is going down?' "Why are you staying silent?" " I need you! Don't forsake me!, I know you are righteous and good and I am YOURS!! Save me! If I am wrong, if I am saying anything that offends you, if I have done anything to deserve this! If this is FROM YOU? Then so be it..but I know that's not the case, I know US..I know what we have and you love me! And you know I love you...

Have you ever seen this type of passion? Is David being disrespectful of God with his almost demanding request? Have you ever cried out to God, but put a spin on it, as to not have God get the wrong idea? Yeah..me too. In Acts 13:22, we see that God has said that David is a "man after my own heart." This man who was a king..also a murderer and adulterer, God said was after His heart. No..David was sure who he was in God. More importantly, God was sure of David. And He loved him. Some might say, " They had a "relationship", that David and God. I would disagree. it was a LOVE AFFAIR!!  A lover who repents time and time again and professes his love for his creator. A Creator who forgives and shows mercy time and time again, in a weak, sinful vessel who would be king!

Christian..I have relationships..I want the Love Affair!!  I want to boldly go before the throne and plead and cry and laugh and sing with my Abba..David had this I believe..and if I am honest..I am jealous of it..jealous of his unabashed love for Abba. And ashamed of my reserved love for Abba...because I may not be doing it right..That Abba may question  my misplaced love as self-preservation. No kidding. You want to read the above Psalm again?? What do you think David WAS doing?? No, Christian..what we fail to understand is that God called David a "man after His own heart", because he went to the Abba for help!! He didn't try to manipulate, manufacture or control anything! He said, " Help!! These guys are going to clean my clock! I'm banking on YOU-not me..A Love Affair will do that.. a "Relationship"will question if I am asking correctly..Oh, I want the love Affair..I so want the Love Affair..to crawl up on Abba's lap and rest my head on His neck..And Him to say, "I know..I got this..I'm so glad you are here..'' Amen.