Ham & Egger

I've never been the "best" at anything. I've been good at some things, but never the best. I mean,  I was a former Division I athlete, but was never all that great..Truth be told, I played for some of the worst teams in the "best" divisions in Collegiate Athletics. I've never been the fastest, strongest, or smartest athlete. I was never the tallest, biggest, or top recruited athlete. No records to speak of, no accolades that were all that impressive..I was just.. good. The fact of the matter was, I only was able to be a collegiate athlete because I worked pretty hard. You might beat me in a race, or lift more weight than me in the weight room, but I will "out-grind" you..every time. I will use your strength against you, I will sneak up on you..and eventually..I will out perform you. I'll beat you.This type of thinking..ethic..is applauded in our society. Hard work is a good thing. I still believe that.

You see, I'm just a Ham & Egger. I'm not the cream of the crop of..anything. I have found that if I work hard enough,(harder than you), Prepare longer,(longer than you), and stop at nothing,(you will), I will obtain some degree of success. And people like winners..a lot. And I won..some..and I became that image..and that image was(is)..me. Success was everything, because my degree of success was ME. My identity.If this went away, so did the reason people liked me. Applauded me. My acceptance was based on my performance. Success was life. Failure was death. It was true in my youth in athletics, and it was true in adulthood in business. Unfortunately, this was (is), also true of my spiritual relationship with God. How could it not be? Everything I knew, understood, and cherished was based on my performance. This is reinforced by business peers, their compliments and "slap on the backs' after every successful Real Estate venture. And their silence is deafening with every financial stumble...and I would die a little with each stumble..which led to me working harder to"get it back" all of it. Ham & Eggers do that you know. We Chase.

What I know now, that I did not know then, is that as a Ham & Egger, I wasn't chasing after a starting position on the field, or being top developer in my community later in life. No..I was chasing after acceptance that would never satisfy, and trying to measure up in the eyes of someone or something that I never could. If I am honest and look back over my life, this has been the over arching theme of my life. Achievement...or lack thereof. I have always been trying to gain acceptance or measure up..and it just never seemed to be good enough. Seemed no matter what endeavor I undertook, I never seemed to be able to..quite get there. This was true in Athletics, business,relationships, and especially..God.

Yes, God loved me..gave this hopeless Ham & Egger a way out of an eternal Hell I deserved. But I was directly or indirectly told..for 25 years told.."now what are you going to do for God?" That my performance would determine my love for Him..What's a Ham & Egger to do? Well..succeed..cause if the world loves a winner, then God loves one too. Now, I had to perform for my toughest critic yet..The Creator of Everything. No pressure. I approached my "relationship" with God and my, "walk", like I did with everything else in life, because, frankly-the only difference was the stakes were higher.So, I chased God, I worked hard at understanding the "correct" doctrine. Caught on quickly, the Christian lingo and proper attire.  I would prove to God that He didn't make a mistake in me, that I would not be a Ham & Egger Christian! He would see that I was worth loving, He would be proud of me, I was going to be a winner for Him..Yes..I would be a Christian..and if anything is worth doing..

In short, I lived a miserable, guilt-ridden, sorry excuse for a Christian for the next 25 years. 25 years of being pounded over the head with every ounce of the weight of God's law. 25 years of never knowing God's love for me, only His wrath, which I was no longer under. 25 years of trying to earn the acceptance and love of my Heavenly Father, that I already had through His Son. 25 years of thinking not only was God disappointed in me..He didn't even like me much. Sure, technically He had to forgive me..but forget?..well..25 years of never hearing of God's amazing grace and love..25 years of complete and utter failure..again..I could not do it..like everything else..I just wasn't good enough..never quite made it..a Ham & Egger. Now..I've let God down.

I know I am not the only one with this type of story. There are others who have struggled with self-hate and feelings of not being accepted or loved unless you could please that parent or friend or..well fill in the blank. Feelings of never quite arriving. The good news of the Gospel announces that God loves Ham & Eggers, because, as it turns out, Ham & Eggers are all there are. The Gospel proclaims that we are accepted, loved, and forever pleasing, based on the performance of another. This news never gets old, or stale to Ham & Eggers..we bank on it. God's announcement of love for me, a love that states He would rather die than be without me? That God is not mad at me, that He not only loves me-but likes me? That He cherishes time with me and calls me..beloved? If being a Ham & Egger means that I have a King that is perfectly satisfied with me, and longs to be with..Me? Well..call me a Ham & Egger..