Husband, Father, and a Wholly Mess Part 4of 4-Wholly Mess

** This is the final entry of the Christian male in the 21st century America. This demographic has been well discussed for it's lack of performance and success of being all they should be. Some of it justified. Some of it not. I think we have gotten the message wrong. That Christianity is about the betterment of the Christian and not Christ crucified.I don't think we are doing this right..and I have something to rant, as it were..**

I Don't have the Foggiest Idea..

I'm 49 years old, been married 20 years and have 3 children. I am self-employed and have been a Christian for 25 years. Although, that last one could only be a year..I don't know. Here are some other things I don't know: How to be the perfect husband, be the best dad, and a good Christian. I didn't write these entries on the Christian male in 21st century America, because I figured it out or stumbled upon the secret formula. I wrote this series because there isn't any perfect husbands, great dads, or good Christians and we are being told-directly or indirectly-something to the contrary. We are being told that we have no idea what a Biblical man is and that we have bought into some culture philosophy that has stripped us of our masculinity and to be perfectly frank..I'm over it. Every time I hear someone explain what a Biblical man looks like it usually involves me increasing my spiritual performance and has zero to do with Christ's performance for me...which is the only thing that propels me to loving my neighbor.

Truth be told, I'm a mess. A wholly mess and I'm tired. I'm tired of being told I am lazy and am not willing to do the things I need to do to excel in my Christian walk. I'm tired of being told that the destiny of my whole family's souls depend on whether I am a committed Christian and whether I am doing all the things necessary to ensure this to happen. I'm tired of being told that my lack of involvement in church indicates my lack of commitment to being a Christian and leader in my home. I'm tired of being told I don't love God enough and I love my sin more. I'm tired of hearing how disappointed God is in me and that his approval hinges on how moral I am. Most of all, I'm sick of pretending that I am someone that I am not and not being able to tell anyone. 

You Have to Do more than That..

I talk to men every day. The common theme I see in these men are that they are depressed, worn out, stressed, and full of shame. They don't know whether to speak up or shut up. They don't know whether to sit or stand. They are shamed for not leading and when they try they are told they aren't doing it right. It reminds me of the scene in the  movie, "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" where Jason Segal is taking surf lessons from Paul Rud, the burn-out instructor. When trying to get him to stand up on the surf board, He says," Doing less is doing more! Pop up!, Nope, nothing like that! Do Nothing! You have to do more than that! Pop up! No! Get back down, Don't do anything..well, you have to do more than that!" Segal's character was so confused he didn't know what to do. I know how he feels. Here's the thing. Jason Segal wanted to surf. His desire was to go to the instructor. The instructor gave him horrendous,(albeit hilarious), instruction. The reason he wasn't surfing was not because he did not have the desire to surf. It was because the message from the instructor was the very thing that was prohibiting him from surfing. This is what I believe is happening to men in churches all over the country. Most of them want to lead their families effectively and they are being told the very thing that is  prohibiting this from happening-then being told it's because they are not willing for it to happen. At least Paul Rud's character didn't guilt and shame Segal for not being able to surf to the point that he quit surfing.

Let me get to the point. In all my being I know we are not doing this right. We are on the proverbial Christian performance wheel and we are exhausted, depressed, and..done. Done with trying, done with feeling like dirt, and done with church. Men are walking away from the church in record numbers not  because they won't love God, but because they don't understand who they are in God. They have been taught that to be a Godly man, they must try harder and do more. They are to have the house under control, a great marriage, serve at church and make a living. They are told directly or indirectly that you are what you do and NOT what God has done for you. More importantly, we are being told that we need to excel and God's love depends on how well we are doing all these things. Most of the men I know who are depressed, exhausted, and have addiction problems are Christians. The burden of "moralistic excellence" is producing a "prozac church!"

It's the Message, Stupid!

I tried. I really did. I tried my best to be all the things I was being told I should be and I was convinced God was mad at me. I hated my phoniness, my lack of faith, and I was sick of trying to figure out if I was saved because of my failing performance as a Christian man, so I quit. Oh, I didn't say that I quit. I mean.. I kept dragging myself to church, but inside I just put up with it. Got through it. I was sick of feeling worse off after leaving church than I did when I walked in. I hated myself, because every Sunday i was told how I was failing God and if I was truly saved I would be on a gradual escalation of righteousness. This is performance Christianity and it's killing our men. But Shaun..we should be "progressing in our walk", you say. My answer to that is this: "I don't think what you think progressing is and what Jesus said..is the same thing. In other words, I don't have anything against progressive sanctification, I just don't think I'm the one primarily responsible for my progression. Our transformation is not to be praised. Jesus is to be Praised. My transformation is not the hero, it's a by-product of being a new creature.

The whole point of writing this series is to point out to anybody who happens to read it, is that you are not alone. That I see your scars and they look like mine. That Christian growth is NOT what we have been told. That what we HAVE been told is what is retarding your growth and in some instances causing immense damage. Sanctification is about going deeper in the Gospel. Growth in Christ is dying to self and loving others, not primarily becoming more moral. The ironic thing is, when we focus on the author and perfecter of our faith(Hebrews 12:2) and "what He has done for us?" We actually become more obedient. It's not based on our feeble attempts of overcoming..it rests on the fact of Jesus accomplishing. It's always been about Him..always.

Look, we all want to lead our families. But we need to re-define our focus from leading, 'by example" to "guiding to the King". In other words, what if leading looked more like serving? What if leading meant to lead by your weakness, instead of out of fake strength? What if leading meant loving your neighbor and not focusing on our feeble attempt to please a God that is already pleased in His Son for us? What if..Sanctification isn't what we were told it is?

I don't want to "play church"anymore. I don't want to pretend I have everything under control. I don't have the time or energy to argue with you over being careful about God's grace or theological nuances. I know theology better than you think I do and I am not here to try and impress you with it. What I will do is join you in proclaiming good news to battered men who's marriages are falling apart, whose kids are off the rails, and whom think God will never love them based on their failure of "being good" at..anything.  Luke 4:18 states, in part: "Ive come to set the captives free?" From what you ask? From trying to measure up, trying to be accepted, trying to get it all right-ALL the time. "Come to me all you who are weak and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.."( Matthew 11:28) Here's the thing: I can't do this, He did it for me, He gave it to me, What's next?  If you share this burden for men, i encourage you to contact me and see what God wants to do with it..Glory forever in Christ Alone..

Can I get a witness?