Excuse Me..Are Those Your Bags?

Life isn't fair. And it doesn't care whether you think it is or not. We all have our thoughts, opinions, hurts, aches, and views on everything. And really..nobody cares about those either. They care about theirs.Their hurts..their aches..and if you don't understand them? Well...

I used to think I had something to say..a voice. Maybe. Maybe not. It doesn't really matter in the end. Voices get caught up in other voices, other aches, other views and tangled with them in a mass of whoever gets to spin and say why they are not their views. In the bigger picture? It just becomes noise..

Everybody has baggage. The baggage you carry is uniquely yours. My baggage is just that..Mine. My trying to convince you of my baggage always gets mixed up in with your baggage. Always. So, that leads to a choice. Me forcing my baggage on you..or simply just helping you carry Your baggage.

A couple of years ago..God showed me a glimpse of something. Himself. Everyday He is showing me a little more of Himself. The more He shows, the more it is challenging everything I ever thought of Him. It's like I have this big bucket full of what I thought of God..and Jesus grabbed it and dumped it all over the floor. As I put that information back into the bucket, I am examining every piece of Him in a different way. Some? I am simply throwing aside. This is exciting, painful, and frustrating.
As I try to explain this process to others, I am met with acceptance, resistance, judgement, conditionality, encouragement and a little abuse...Baggage.

I now have a choice. I can push your baggage away, and insist on you looking at my baggage. Or..I can simply accept my baggage as mine..and help you carry yours. You may not want me to carry it. You may yank it away and tell me that I don't have baggage like you, therefore "stay away from my baggage." You may then get angry at me for not accepting and carrying the very baggage that you won't let me carry.

But..here's the thing: As God reveals Himself more to me..My insistence on you accepting my baggage..is simply my refusal to let go of my life..Let go of me..baggage. Jesus says something radically different than that. For a resurrection to occur..there has to be a death. My absolute refusal to die shows in my self justifying behavior towards others. It manifests itself, in my insistence of others understanding the weight of my baggage. It occurs when I absolutely refuse to carry my neighbor's baggage while at the same time discarding my own baggage. You see..I HATE my baggage. There is A LOT of it. And it's heavy. I am finally at a point where it is getting less and lighter..and then you come around with YOUR baggage...and I just cannot bear anymore baggage.

But..that's really not your problem. It's mine. My refusal to accept and help you carry your baggage, is really just me refusing to die. Die to self. Die to my idea of my worth to you..to God. I fight, kick, scratch, and claw my way to save the very thing Jesus came to set me free of..ME. My insistence on hanging on to any scrap of self-worth,(baggage), is the very thing that is preventing me from "loving others as myself..' I refuse to die. I just cannot accept that this Carpenter loves me so much He would die for me..that he calls me," no longer slave..but friend.." My metaphorical "turn of my back", is a complete denial of God's grace and purpose for me on the Cross on my behalf. It's a refusal to die.

But..I have good news. As, God peels away years of moralism and incorrect views of who He is and what He said..He is revealing Himself to me..and a piece of baggage falls..the load gets lighter.. And your baggage does not seem so disgusting and threatening to me anymore. As He takes a piece of baggage from me..it allows me to take one from you.

The Gospel allows me to accept you..love you AND your baggage, because God loves me and accepts me with mine through His Son Jesus Christ. As I see my faults, failures and sin more clearly through the lens of Jesus, I am able to simply dwell with you in grace. Grace that you may not deserve, or even want. I can do this knowing that Jesus pours out His grace on me every day..and I never deserve it..and sometimes don't want it either. Jesus has a way of doing that..transforming, molding..loving.

 So, "Excuse me..Are those your bags?" "Need a hand?"  "There's room at the table..Come..let me grab that for you.."

I Saw God Today..Just a Glimpse

The call went out to all the land of a brother in need of prayer. A brother having a tough go of it all. It all-called life, with it's crazy relationships, selfish demands. I pulled over from driving to respond on my phone to the deliver of the "call". Yes. I would pray. I pulled over my vehicle and I prayed. And I cried. A near 50 year old man, crying like a baby for a person I barely knew. But, oh how I love him. I hurt for my friend, I hardly know at all. So I cried. I cried to God and told Him how much I loved him. I cried out to God for him.." God, remember he is Your son..help him.." Instantly, I felt a bit foolish..as a whisper gently..but firmly spoke to me..

" Do you think I have forgotten him? Do you think I don't know you love him? Did you forget..my son..that I actually do know him? I've known him before the foundations of the world, and I call him by name..a name I know him by.. That I love him too..I love him with a love you can only get a glimpse of..It's no laughing matter or passing thought for me, you know.. This love..I love him so much I sent My Son to die for him..Oh, I am quite serious about all this. I am quite serious about your friend, my adopted son. Do you not think that I weep for him..or you? My Son emptied  Himself for you on that cross..and still does..for him..and you.. No, I didn't forget my boy..he fills my thoughts..because I bought him..with blood..and he is mine..By the way, it's good that you cry..I see you are embarrassed and surprised by it. Surprised to feel so deeply for another..I know..that is the glimpse I was talking to you about..It's from me, you know..that love you so deeply feel. It's a glimpse of my love for mine. Just a glimpse..So cry boy..it's ok.I cried for my Son and I cry for him too. Just remember..I am quite serious about all this..

Yes. I shut my mouth..I have no idea of this love..just a glimpse..and I fall at your feet for allowing me this glimpse..even for a moment. I worship your name, your holiness, your faithfulness..and your love for him..for me. I am thankful to know a love like this, a love I don't fully understand, that I cannot fully give, that I cling to..only to find out ..it is your love clinging to me..and to him. I am thankful you gave me this love..that it was only possible because you loved me first..and deeply. I saw you today God..and I am thankful..thankful..thankful..

Can I get a witness?

Husband, Father, and a Wholly Mess Part 4of 4-Wholly Mess

** This is the final entry of the Christian male in the 21st century America. This demographic has been well discussed for it's lack of performance and success of being all they should be. Some of it justified. Some of it not. I think we have gotten the message wrong. That Christianity is about the betterment of the Christian and not Christ crucified.I don't think we are doing this right..and I have something to rant, as it were..**

I Don't have the Foggiest Idea..

I'm 49 years old, been married 20 years and have 3 children. I am self-employed and have been a Christian for 25 years. Although, that last one could only be a year..I don't know. Here are some other things I don't know: How to be the perfect husband, be the best dad, and a good Christian. I didn't write these entries on the Christian male in 21st century America, because I figured it out or stumbled upon the secret formula. I wrote this series because there isn't any perfect husbands, great dads, or good Christians and we are being told-directly or indirectly-something to the contrary. We are being told that we have no idea what a Biblical man is and that we have bought into some culture philosophy that has stripped us of our masculinity and to be perfectly frank..I'm over it. Every time I hear someone explain what a Biblical man looks like it usually involves me increasing my spiritual performance and has zero to do with Christ's performance for me...which is the only thing that propels me to loving my neighbor.

Truth be told, I'm a mess. A wholly mess and I'm tired. I'm tired of being told I am lazy and am not willing to do the things I need to do to excel in my Christian walk. I'm tired of being told that the destiny of my whole family's souls depend on whether I am a committed Christian and whether I am doing all the things necessary to ensure this to happen. I'm tired of being told that my lack of involvement in church indicates my lack of commitment to being a Christian and leader in my home. I'm tired of being told I don't love God enough and I love my sin more. I'm tired of hearing how disappointed God is in me and that his approval hinges on how moral I am. Most of all, I'm sick of pretending that I am someone that I am not and not being able to tell anyone. 

You Have to Do more than That..

I talk to men every day. The common theme I see in these men are that they are depressed, worn out, stressed, and full of shame. They don't know whether to speak up or shut up. They don't know whether to sit or stand. They are shamed for not leading and when they try they are told they aren't doing it right. It reminds me of the scene in the  movie, "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" where Jason Segal is taking surf lessons from Paul Rud, the burn-out instructor. When trying to get him to stand up on the surf board, He says," Doing less is doing more! Pop up!, Nope, nothing like that! Do Nothing! You have to do more than that! Pop up! No! Get back down, Don't do anything..well, you have to do more than that!" Segal's character was so confused he didn't know what to do. I know how he feels. Here's the thing. Jason Segal wanted to surf. His desire was to go to the instructor. The instructor gave him horrendous,(albeit hilarious), instruction. The reason he wasn't surfing was not because he did not have the desire to surf. It was because the message from the instructor was the very thing that was prohibiting him from surfing. This is what I believe is happening to men in churches all over the country. Most of them want to lead their families effectively and they are being told the very thing that is  prohibiting this from happening-then being told it's because they are not willing for it to happen. At least Paul Rud's character didn't guilt and shame Segal for not being able to surf to the point that he quit surfing.

Let me get to the point. In all my being I know we are not doing this right. We are on the proverbial Christian performance wheel and we are exhausted, depressed, and..done. Done with trying, done with feeling like dirt, and done with church. Men are walking away from the church in record numbers not  because they won't love God, but because they don't understand who they are in God. They have been taught that to be a Godly man, they must try harder and do more. They are to have the house under control, a great marriage, serve at church and make a living. They are told directly or indirectly that you are what you do and NOT what God has done for you. More importantly, we are being told that we need to excel and God's love depends on how well we are doing all these things. Most of the men I know who are depressed, exhausted, and have addiction problems are Christians. The burden of "moralistic excellence" is producing a "prozac church!"

It's the Message, Stupid!

I tried. I really did. I tried my best to be all the things I was being told I should be and I was convinced God was mad at me. I hated my phoniness, my lack of faith, and I was sick of trying to figure out if I was saved because of my failing performance as a Christian man, so I quit. Oh, I didn't say that I quit. I mean.. I kept dragging myself to church, but inside I just put up with it. Got through it. I was sick of feeling worse off after leaving church than I did when I walked in. I hated myself, because every Sunday i was told how I was failing God and if I was truly saved I would be on a gradual escalation of righteousness. This is performance Christianity and it's killing our men. But Shaun..we should be "progressing in our walk", you say. My answer to that is this: "I don't think what you think progressing is and what Jesus said..is the same thing. In other words, I don't have anything against progressive sanctification, I just don't think I'm the one primarily responsible for my progression. Our transformation is not to be praised. Jesus is to be Praised. My transformation is not the hero, it's a by-product of being a new creature.

The whole point of writing this series is to point out to anybody who happens to read it, is that you are not alone. That I see your scars and they look like mine. That Christian growth is NOT what we have been told. That what we HAVE been told is what is retarding your growth and in some instances causing immense damage. Sanctification is about going deeper in the Gospel. Growth in Christ is dying to self and loving others, not primarily becoming more moral. The ironic thing is, when we focus on the author and perfecter of our faith(Hebrews 12:2) and "what He has done for us?" We actually become more obedient. It's not based on our feeble attempts of overcoming..it rests on the fact of Jesus accomplishing. It's always been about Him..always.

Look, we all want to lead our families. But we need to re-define our focus from leading, 'by example" to "guiding to the King". In other words, what if leading looked more like serving? What if leading meant to lead by your weakness, instead of out of fake strength? What if leading meant loving your neighbor and not focusing on our feeble attempt to please a God that is already pleased in His Son for us? What if..Sanctification isn't what we were told it is?

I don't want to "play church"anymore. I don't want to pretend I have everything under control. I don't have the time or energy to argue with you over being careful about God's grace or theological nuances. I know theology better than you think I do and I am not here to try and impress you with it. What I will do is join you in proclaiming good news to battered men who's marriages are falling apart, whose kids are off the rails, and whom think God will never love them based on their failure of "being good" at..anything.  Luke 4:18 states, in part: "Ive come to set the captives free?" From what you ask? From trying to measure up, trying to be accepted, trying to get it all right-ALL the time. "Come to me all you who are weak and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.."( Matthew 11:28) Here's the thing: I can't do this, He did it for me, He gave it to me, What's next?  If you share this burden for men, i encourage you to contact me and see what God wants to do with it..Glory forever in Christ Alone..

Can I get a witness?

Husband, Father, and a Wholly Mess-Part 3 of 4 -Father

** This is part 3 of a 4 part blog series on the American Christian male in the 21st century. The Church has spent a lot of time on the failure of the role of the man in the family and the lack of proper parenting skills of this maligned specie. This is a touchy subject..and I'm convinced we are not doing it right. Father-child relations are failing..and I think I have an idea why. I'm a Husband, a Father and a Wholly mess...Can I get a witness?**

"Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged." Colossians 3:21
"Fathers do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:3

Where Do I Start..?

This is not only a difficult subject matter, but a rather immense and convuluted one. Not all of us have had fond memories of our dad. Some of us have never had a relationship with our dad. I understand and appreciate all the different nuances of this relationship and acknowledge that there is no possible way to address theses issues in a blog sized bite. So I won't. I have a more specific rant, as it were...

I'm scared. I'm afraid I am projecting my insecurities and my fears on my children. I know I am and I can't help it. I carry some of my dad's insecurities, and he carries some from his dad. Baggage. Pre-concieved notions. I'm guilty and it bothers me. I want my children to have their own insecurities and fears, not mine. I know my sin and I know my ugliness and I want better for them. The problem is the very thing I am being told to do is the very thing that is creating this baggage tenfold.

Sammy Rhodes said, " There is a way of hitting someone so hard they never heal..without ever lifting a hand." A word. A look. I have a feeling many of us are living with that word  or look from our fathers that have defined us to some extent. I know I have said things that I regret to each of my children. Here's the thing. The times that I have regretted how I responded or reacted to my children, in many cases, it was based on their performance. Many times I have reacted poorly, because of perceived expectations from family and/or church. If you are a father you know what I am talking about and it comes down to this: "I'm not cutting it. I am failing as a Dad. My children are misbehaving. My parents are giving me pointers. My church is telling me to lead my children in discipline. I'm trying, but it just seems to get worse! It seems all I am doing is grounding my kids, taking electronics away, policing what they are listening to, what they are wearing,and who their friends are. All I do is argue with them. They hate going to church, and I hate pretending that I got this.

Many things we say or do as parents is a result of feeling like we are losing control. This leads to trying to fix our children to come back under our control. This didn't work when I was a kid and it certainly isn't working with my kids. This saddens me to say, but many times my reaction has nothing to do with whether my children are being obedient or not. Their perceived obedience, or lack thereof, has more to do with whether their performance is reflecting a positive or negative image of ..me.  We feel the pressure from the church that the way our children behave is a product of my spiritual condition and my own obedience to the Lord. We feel pressure from our family to show that they raised us correctly, in turn, we are doing the same with our kids. Either way, we are seeking approval from man and not God. The sad part is-we are teaching our kids that their performance determines acceptance and love and not the performance of Christ on their behalf. This pressure, this burden, manifests itself in anger and discouragement. This, in turn, can manifest into licentious living or hopeless people pleasing.

Because I Said So!

I have witnessed professing Christians shun their own children on the advice of the church. I have seen parents place conditions on a child's repentance and restoration in the family and absolutely break the spirit of these children. I have also seen these same children revolt once again and usually for good from the oppression of judgement and condemnation they endure. I have seen heart broken parents go to the church for help and the church encourage these parents to "cut off" their children. I have seen the church guilt and shame parents into shunning of their children under the guise of being spiritual. Finally, I have seen this absolutely devastate families and relationships. No forgiveness without conditions. No acceptance without performance and submission and we wonder why youth are fleeing the church at a record pace.  

This sounds nothing like the gospel and certainly flies in the face of the parable of the Prodigal Son found in Luke 15:11-32. Jesus does not put any conditions on coming to Him. Yet, we not only do this, but we are being told this is Christian parenting.  In Colossians 3 and Ephesians 6, Paul warns what this type of parenting leads to and its ramifications. Too often, we are teaching our children that to be loved that they must perform and if they don't they are out. First, out of the house, then out of favor of the church and God. If parents and the church want to be ashamed of something, be ashamed of that. Be ashamed that your egocentric behaviors have put your reputation before the love of your own flesh and blood. Does this sound harsh? Imagine being a 14 year old who is being told that love is being withheld until they conform? THAT'S HARSH! It is harsh because it is not only mean and unloving, but because we are giving them a distorted and false view of who God is and His love for us.

How many times have your children been given candy if they have memorized their verses for the week? Most of the time they don't even know what the verses mean, and are cramming to memorize them in the car before they arrive to church. What are we teaching them? God loves you if you perform and is disappointed if you do not. Guilt and shame is often used to "challenge"them in better performance and it never does. More Law will lead to feelings of self-righteousness if they memorized all the verses and despair if they do not. They learn if I can fake it- I can make it. And so do we.

Shepherd Their Hearts..

The message is wrong. Fathers are being directly or indirectly told that the performance of their child is a direct reflection of their leadership ability in the house. That isn't totally incorrect, but the problem is that they are prescribing the very thing that is prompting our children to rebel and flee the church..More law and control. The Law can show them what to look like, but gives them no power to achieve it.  I can make my child perform on the exterior through guilt, shame, word, and deed. None of these touch their heart to want to "do the right"thing. As a matter of fact, it does the opposite. They seethe with anger and become discouraged and just quit. 

We are hopelessly addicted to the Law. Paul knew this and it is why he warned against doing this in the above verses. He knew how we could manipulate our power to intimidate, shame, guilt, and eventually destroy in our quest to be seen as godly. Somehow we have associated the Christian life being about the performance of the Christian and not the performance of the Christ on our behalf. This translates to controlling and trying to fix our children into being well behaved little Christians that reflect well on you and your leadership. 

I have one job. Point them to Jesus. Our job isn't to control them so they do not make a mistake. It is to guide them, so when they do, they run to the only one who can heal them. Shepherding their heart in who they are in Christ secures their self worth and gives them confidence in God. This will, in turn, give them confidence in themselves by banking on God's love for them and not theirs for Him. By the way, a funny thing happens to us dads, when we stop trying to fix our children and just love them. We actually enjoy them more. We are more playful and affectionate with them. We are more transparent and repent more in front of them. We lead them to God's strength by,"boasting in our weakness."( 2 Corinthians 11:30) We lead not by example of hypocritical strength, but by meek confession.

He Loves me With an Everlasting Love..

The late Christian singer and songwriter, Rich Mullins had said,"In the end, all we really ever wanted to know is if we were loved." It's true for you and it's true of our children. I don't know a Christian father who doesn't want Jesus in their child's life. I am convinced that it isn't because they are lazy or not interested. It's because, in many cases, they do not know how to show love that points their children to the Cross. When they ask for help, too often the answer is the very thing that makes things worse and drives them further from you and God-more Law. Give them the message of God's Grace that will transform their heart and direct their life. It's Grace..it's all grace..

Now the good news. We don't have to be perfect to point our children to Christ. Christ was perfect for us. So..what do we do dads? How do we show them how important Jesus Christ is to you-their Dad?  Love them. John 13:34-35.  Show them the unwavering grace, and love that Jesus shows you every day. Hey Dad? Your kids love you. God loves you. They both long for a relationship with you. You are free to love them..both. Now..trust in the redeeming work on the cross, on the behalf of your child by Jesus. Point them to it. Guide them to it..and just love them.

Can I get a witness?

Husband, Father, and a Wholly Mess..Part 2 of 4 Husband

** This is part 2 of a 4 blog series concerning the Christian man in the 21st century church. Marriages are dissolving at a record pace in the church. Although, not the exclusive reason, I believe I know what may be contributing to this rapid decline in marital bliss. I'm a Husband, Father and a Wholly Mess..can I get a witness?

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.."
Ephesians 5:25
"Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman..
1Peter 3:7

What Just Happened?

"We need a break." Those words from my wife hit me like a sledgehammer. Every insecurity and defense mechanism in my being hit full alert. Did I even hear that right? What the hell just happened?

I'm a real estate investor. It's what I do. I'm "all in", in most everything I do for a living. The Great Recession had taken it's toll on me and I needed a win. Badly. The 40,000 sq. ft. re-development on Main Street in my town would not only save my family financially, but would put me back in "the game", so to speak, and return to me the accolades and respect that I had not had in over five years. I needed this to work. I needed a win..

I drove people in the ground on this job. I cussed them, threatened them and fired them. Nine of them to be exact..and I was losing. It was -25 degrees and I had $11,000 monthly interest payment, as well as, a $8,000 power bill. I was  $300,000 over budget, tapped on my loan and not a sale in sight. What would people think? What would my wife think? Everything that made up who I was..who Shaun was-was at stake. And I was losing..

Meanwhile, things had not been going great at home. Accusations of "You are not leading our family', were met with accusations of my own. "If you would be a little more submissive, then maybe I could lead!"Long story short, we were trying to save ourselves by fixing each other. We were both spiritually drained from years of performance Christianity, which led to comparing each other to a standard neither of us could keep. Our marriage was slowly dying.

"No, we don't", I answered. "Yes..we do", she said. "I'm not leaving this house,"I countered. "Then I will", she said. And without hesitation..without even a pause, I said "You leave this house you get an attorney." And that..that was the end of myself. I was about to go bankrupt, My wife was leaving me and God hated me. With both of us in tears, I made my way to the couch for my evening stay. I had nowhere to run to and nowhere to hide. I was destroyed.

I reached for a book a friend had given me weeks earlier. It was a Christian book by an author whose name desperately needed a vowel. The book was called, "One Way Love", by Tullian Tchividjian. "Never heard of him. Probably just another person telling me how much I was failing and what I needed to do to be a "good" Christian," I thought. But I was desperate. "What the hell," I figured, grabbing it on my way to my night stay on the couch. About a quarter of the way through the book I thought this guy was out of his mind. Half way through I was praying it was true. Three-quarters done I was crying and by the time I was finished reading it, I was crying out to God.

Jesus Loves Me-This I know..

Could this be real? I frantically searched the scriptures. Romans, the Gospels. Back to Romans, then Galatians. I had it all wrong..God was not mad at me..He Loved me! The Gospel says that I am forever reconciled to God through His Son Jesus. My standing and relationship with God is based on the performance by Another-for me. God is satisfied in me by Jesus work on the cross and not on my work to be good or pleasing to Him. My relationship with God was not,"direction, not perfection."No, it is perfection-His! I Can't. He did. It's mine. What's next?..

The next morning I asked my wife if I could talk to her. She reluctantly agreed. Through tears of joy and relief, I tried to explain to her what the last 8 hours of my life had done to me and  what it means to us. I remember it like it was yesterday. I said:

"If you want to leave-leave. If you want to stay, and I pray that you do, then stay. I want to apologize and ask your forgiveness. I am asking your forgiveness because I have put a burden on you. I have put a burden on you to love me in a way that you could never love me. I realize it is not because you won't, but because you can't. I'm sorry. I'm not going to promise you that I will change. I won't promise you that things are going to get better. I will make you only one promise. I promise that I am going to love you. If you leave-I'm going to love you. If you stay-I'm going to love you. I realize now, that because I have everything I need from God, that I need nothing from you. Do I want something from you-yes, I do..but it is no longer necessary. Baby, God isn't mad at me..He loves me! I am free to give you love and grace that He gives me everyday, whether you deserve or want it, with nothing in return. Honey, I'm free! I'm free to just love you now and I'm so sorry." This was my wife's response: You are scaring me right now! By God's grace, she stayed and we are stumbling our way in a new found hope of the good news of Jesus Christ. Stumbling, repenting, resting..

It's Grace..It's All Grace

Our marriage is not perfect because my wife and I are not perfect. But here's the thing. We are loved perfectly by a perfect God. My wife doesn't need a husband that leads by strength. My wife needs Jesus as her Husband. And so do I.  Living out Ephesians 5:25 is not what we are being told it is. It is not by doing a list of "honey-do's" with a smile on my face. It isn't eliminating me for her. It is pointing her to Christ. How? By focusing on not what I am doing or not doing, but by focusing on what Christ has done. When the message of "It is Finished" is prominent in your life, you repent more in front of your wife. You speak more of your weakness and point more to Jesus strength. And guess what? A funny thing happens. I love my wife more like Jesus loves me (church). I think more of her and her needs and less of mine. I don't learn how to dwell with her, but I desire to understand her. It's Grace. It's all Grace. Love begets love. His love-begets my love..for her and my neighbor. This message is allowing us to heal in our marriage after years of performance crushing expectations of one another.

The focus of our performance as a husband, or lack thereof, is crippling our ability to lead our wives and families in the way that glorifies God. The burden of leading by strength, and not out of surrender, does not make me want to try harder and forgive more. It makes me want to compare often and just-quit. I am convinced that it is not for lack of effort or want by men to be godly husbands to their wives. It is that the message is wrong. Men are hearing about their lack of strength, and nothing about His strength for us. Until we start preaching Christ and Him crucified and not the believer and him bettered, we are going to continue to have marriages that struggle to live out expectations that can never be accomplished without the Gospel. 

Listen, resting in God's grace and love for me allows me to love my wife more like Ephesians 5:25 tells me to, because I am not focusing on my feeble attempts to do so. I am focusing on Jesus finished work for the church and His perfection in accomplishing it. Giving men a formula for failure and then blaming them for not succeeding in their tasks as husbands is not going to challenge them, Ok? It's going to make them want to give up. Telling them that your wife is drawn to God through you, by your competency is laughable. Ask my wife. Telling them that you show Christ through your confession-is not! I am convinced we are not doing this right and it is because we are, in part, being told the wrong message. Jesus came to set the captives free..Luke 4:18. If I am to love my wife as Christ loves the church, my hope is in Him who loved me first( 1John 4:19). The message should not only be how I should love my wife..but How Christ loves me. 

Can I get a Witness?

Husband, Father, and..a Wholly Mess

** This is the first of a four part blog entry concerning the Christian male in 21st Century America. A lot has been said about the leadership or lack thereof, concerning this demographic of the church. There has also been much criticism and blame for the success or failure of the family placed on this beleaguered specie. As a member of this much maligned group, I have something to say. Or rant, as it were. Oh..and it's probably not what you think..**

IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S..UM..OKAY IT IS YOU!

You want to know the three words that strike dread in many Christian males in America? Mens'Bible Study. I've seen these three words have the power to turn a 40 year old man into the busiest person in town and watch as they become reminiscent of a 15 year old school boy providing excuse after excuse on why they cannot turn in their homework for the day. These three words have the power to produce a terrible sickness that can flatten a perfectly healthy man for seven whole weeks, ( or for as long as the study lasts). But..we have and will go at times. I mean, we have to.. right? I AM a Christian, after all. And I am a man. Any self-professing Christian male would welcome a time to be..um well, more Christian and man-ish..right? Then why is it that I really have no desire to meet at 7:00 am on a Saturday and eat cold pancakes? I mean, other than it's 7:00 am on a Saturday to eat cold pancakes. I don't have much authority to speak on many things in this world. But being a member of this much debated and often misunderstood group, this is right in my wheelhouse and I am not alone. Let me explain.

About a month ago, I stumbled my way into church, directing my kids to their correct children study classrooms and forced a smile on of my face as I searched for a seat in a pew with my wife. But to enter the sanctuary, you have to grab a bulletin from the usher.  And there he was. The middle aged usher with bulletin in hand and the same fake smirk I'm sure I had plastered on my face. He looked exhausted and I wondered if he thought the same about me. Then it happened. He said it. "Hey, just want to let you know, we are starting a Men's Bible Study starting this Saturday morning at the church. We will then break into groups and meet during the week to discuss the study." "Oh I said. What's it about?" Like I had to ask. It's what it's always about-ME.."Well, we are going to have a short video on it during service." Nice save ace..let the video tell me.. Yep..definitely about me. If it was on the book of John or Acts, he would of said. No, it was about my failings of being a Christian leader. How I was not  stepping up and taking my role as husband, father and Christian seriously. My fake sense of excitement and absolute disdain for what came out of his mouth did not go unnoticed by my wife. "What?"she asked. "Why are you acting that way?" I mumbled something that could be taken as between, "Whatever is it that you mean, sweet dear?' to"Are you freakin crazy? No way I'm doing that!" I swiftly walked to my seat feeling the condemnation of not only God, but also, to a degree, my wife.

 The video was a  3-5 minute introduction to the heart of the Mens' study. I vaguely remember video clips of men talking how this course has helped them regain their place in the family structure and their God given roles that they had abdicated. It was called..get ready for this.."Be a Man". I threw up in my mouth a little. Let me get this straight. I have to try to find time in a schedule that has no openings to hear and learn how to..Man up? Great. Can't wait...then I hear,"Oh, and there will be food!" Cue grunting noises..

ACT AS IF..

Look. We aren't stupid ok? You don't have to appeal to my primal instincts and offer food, skeet shooting, paint ball, or golf, to get me to show up to the Mens' study and/or retreat. The reason I don't show up isn't because you didn't offer pulled pork to eat, or a horse shoe tournament to enter. The reason I don't show up is because of what happens before and after the paint ball extravaganza. Here is how a typical event goes..

Before: We mill around talking about work(we lie), family(we lie), and sports (lie a lot). It is extremely important at this time to not cuss or act in any way like you should not- or do not -want to be there. Do not let on that you or your family are struggling in any way. After all, we are men and Christian men to boot. We live by the adage,"Don't tell me how much it hurts, just deliver the baby."Besides, we are here to find out how men are failing in being not only Christians, but failing as men as well. Make sure everyone knows this does not apply to you and that you are only there because of your incredible faith in God.. and the pork.. and for Ed over there..I mean geez..look at him.. Poor sap..wonder what he did wrong?

All this is a smoke screen. Here is the truth of what is going on in many of our heads: " I'm a mess. I am scared to death! My business is struggling and  my wife says I'm not being the spiritual leader of the family. My kids seem distant and out of control. On top of that, there is absolutely no one I can say this to.. How do I tell anybody that I don't got this? I can't even go to God, He is so sick of me..I'm so tired.. I'm trying..and it just keeps getting worse.  If people actually knew me, they would be disgusted. My Pastor said I just need to trust God more..how do I trust a God who is mad at me? My family is falling apart and it's my fault. After all,  I'm the Husband, I'm the Dad..if they don't see it in me, they won't see it in anyone..everywhere I turn, all I hear is my failure..I know I'm failing..Help me!!"

During: The Pastor gets up and procedes to spit statistics of the failure of Christian families in the 21st century. Statistics on divorce rate, teen pregnancy, drug use, and why Pete Carroll passed instead of ran the ball in the Super Bowl. The reason for all these disasters,(okay- not the Super Bowl), is the lack of leadership by the man in these families and churches. He would talk about how we have bought into the culture's definition of what a man is. He would expound on the standards being lowered and how we have accepted them as what it means to be a leader. He would talk about the importance of separating ourselves from the world and avoiding the Victoria Secret magazine like the plague. He would go on about our lack of attention we are paying to our children and the evils of technology and the affects it has at the dinner table. He would express the need to "get our priorities straight" and quit watching so much television. Then...he would unveil how we accomplish all these things and "take back our families!" He would proceed to extoll on a 5 prong attack to become the men that God has called us to be. Do this and you can finally be called a Godly man. But you got to want it. ( Author note: I always loved that last part. See, if you fail..and you will..it's your fault. Didn't want it bad enough. You selfish bastard).

 Okay. So, give me the formula..and hurry! What is it? How do I save my family, have my wife fawn over me, and make God love me again?

 Well, the first thing you need to do is have a quiet time with God. Preferably early in the morning before the sun comes up. This allows you to "set your mind right"for the day and perform at higher level. You also need to have a family quiet time. This will consist of you reading scripture and praying with your family. You know-lead by example. Now, concerning your wife..make sure you have a date night. This needs to be weekly and make sure nothing gets in the way of it. Chicks love that stuff. You know weaker vessel and all. Let's see.. where was I? Oh, yes becoming Godly..Um..Priorities. Make sure you are spending time with your kids at night before bedtime. Bonding is important.  Games are great. Candy Land comes to mind. And finally, your vocation. It is important to provide for your family and work hard..as unto the Lord- He's your real boss. Just make sure you don't work too hard and screw up the first four things on the list,(see above). don't want to make money an idol now would we? Okay. That's about it. I know this might sound daunting. But don't worry. You won't be alone. We need each other men. We need to help and challenge each other to be Christian men. We need to be accountable to God and each other."There it is..the dreaded accountability groups. What happens next is you pair up with some other poor sap and pray and commit to God and that person to check up on them to see if they are "being all they can be." 

THE REALITY

After: With renewed commitment to God and with my new"babysitter",  I am finally going to do this! No more messing around! I'm going to lead my family and they will follow dutifully and God will love me! I mean it too. I really do! I want all these things and it's up to me to accomplish them. This sounds great! Confession time.. I cannot remember how many times I have renewed, re-commited, and signed on to this type of goal, friend. It lasts about a week. You see, something happens that knocks everything off the rails. It's called Life.

For example, you have to go in early one week at work to handle whatever emergency that needs to be handled. Pow! Quiet time destroyed. Your kids' recital, game, play, or fill in the blank activity, crushes your family bonding time-Boom! Oh, and you can never seem to get everyone together at the same time so you can tell them what the Bible means. Whamp! (that was a little sarcasm). Date night? Yeah.. see above. The truth is the one time you could actually figure out the night to go out, your wife was so pissed at you, that you would rather get a root canal than break bread with her! Kaboom! Now what?.. Wait! But I have an ace in the hole! My accountability buddy! Um..what's that? Oh.. turns out he is in worse shape than me. We agree, without verbally saying it, that "I won't tell anybody if you don't."and good luck. (Insert mushroom cloud icon here). It is now complete and done..and so am I. My wife is even more upset with me than before, because I "Never follow through with anything.' And, "you say you will change, but you never do." The kids are still out of control and I slip further away from a God who is as sick and tired of me as I am in myself. I vow never to go to another Mens anything again.  What's the use? I'm a failure in every way possible and God hates me..and I can't bear to hear it again.

HERE'S A THOUGHT-SET ME FREE!

Listen. Bible study is not a bad thing. Neither is personal quiet time or spending time with your kids. However, thinking that by doing any of these things will make you Godly- IS a bad thing. It's a bad thing, because it's not true and leads to despair or self-righteousness. See, that's what happens when you mix the law and grace and I am convinced we are not doing this right. Any of it. How in the world did we get here? How is it, that Christianity has become about the performance of the Christian and not Christ? How is it that we have taken the good news of the gospel and made it a religion of our feeble attempts to overcome and be good?

It is true, that men are failing as leaders in the church and in their families, but not because we are buying into what the culture's definition is of a man. Speaking for every Christian man I know, we don't have the faintest idea of what the "culture's" definition of a man is because we are too busy trying to feed our families. The problem is not that the standard for a man have been lowered and we have bought into them. The problem is the standard for a Christian man are too high, (perfect), and we, based on our own effort, cannot achieve them with any simblance of success based on trying harder and doing more. The problem is not that we are not taking our responsibility of manhood seriously. It's that we are being told our responsibilities are something that they are not. The problem isn't that we are lazy and love our sin more. It's that no matter how hard I try to be a husband who loves his wife like Christ loves the church, I can't do it on a consistent basis(Ephesians 5:25). The problem is not that I don't know what God wants or expects from me, (i.e. more Bible study), it's that I do know what God wants and expects of me and no matter how much I do..I cannot pull it off. The reason I try to avoid anything with"men" in it at church, is not because I don't want to learn about my God; it's because all I hear is how I am failing God. 

Nobody has to tell me, or any other man, whether he is succeeding or failing based on his performance. We are surrounded by the results of our performance or lack thereof. We go to work every day and are judged and rewarded based on how we perform. The result of feeding our families are directly based on our performance. How I perform in the world, either garners me respect and acceptance, or disdain and rejection. We get it. We understand it. It becomes our identity. We live and die daily on how we believe others, and especially God view us. If I believe God is mad at me based on my performance as a Christian man and no matter how hard I try to please him- I can't? One of two things will happen.  I will actively seek other ways to find acceptance and love; or I will withdraw to a point that I am not a factor to be criticized and rejected. Either way-I quit!

Here's a thought: Instead of pointing out my failures as a representative of God and my specie..set me free instead. Maybe my reluctance to get involved with church has nothing to do with my lack of desire to please God. Maybe it has everything to do with the message. Maybe the message of,"What are you going to do for God?" is wrong. Maybe the message should be "What God has done for me." Maybe the Christian life isn't about my performance or lack thereof. Maybe the Christian life is about Christ's performance for me. Instead of giving me more to do, give me the good news that God has,"come to set the captives free"(Luke 4:18). Give me the true and freeing message that God loves me as I am and not as I should be, based on Jesus work on the cross, and not mine as a Christian. Tell me that if the Christian life is burdensome and heavy, that it isn't from the King, because He said his yoke "was easy and light"(Matthew 11:28).  Remind me that when Jesus said," It is finished" He meant it. That if I am in Christ, my sins are forever forgiven, and Jesus performance is now mine (Romans 5:8). Tell me that I am judged on Jesus work not mine, His strength not mine. Tell me that His strength is seen in my brokenness.  That I am given the reward before my performance..and watch the grace of God transform me into the man that GOD wants..not you..not me.. and maybe not even the church..but God wants. Set me free from the burden of trying to measure up and be accepted. I can't. He did. It's mine. What's next?

God's grace set me free from the bondage of moralism and I will never be the same. I talk with men in my community every day and there is a common theme in all of them. They are exhausted trying to please God. They are worn out trying to be all the things they are told they are supposed to be. They are burnt out on programs, formulas, and self-help church programs that never last and leave them worse off mentally and emotionally than they were before the program. You want your men to grow Pastor? Of course you do. So, give them the source of this  growth,(the gospel), and set them free! Tell them Jesus isn't a program. Tell them Jesus nailed karma to the cross. Tell Them IT IS FINISHED! This will free your men to love others and serve. You won't have to guilt them into serving, instead you will see that they are serving.. Put your programs and pancake mix away and preach to them the good news of Jesus Christ...and watch what happens. Trust in the redeeming work of Christ on the cross for your men..and guide them..and watch the Spirit work through your men. 

 The desire of the American Christian male is to have healthy marriages, and children who come to a saving life in Jesus Christ. Our desire is to guide our families to the one source of life-Jesus. I am convinced that the reason we are failing is not our lack of desire to see these things come to fruition. It's because the only hope of any type of redemptive work in our families is being withheld from us. It's not for lack of want..it's for lack of the Gospel in our lives. The message is wrong. We lead not out of strength, but weakness. We lead not by our competency, but our confession and we are being told and taught the opposite, hence the results. 

This is my mission and I am certain of it. To reach out to my brother in Christ and tell him, "Come, let me tell you about a man who told me everything about me'(john 4:29).. It's not what you were told..He is not mad at you..You are free.." It is my prayer that this Carpenter from Nazareth is whispering to you..like He is with me.." come to me all you who are weak and weary..and I will give you rest.."(Matthew 11:28).  It is finished men. Let's go find a fellow beggar..and tell him where he can find bread..

Ham & Egger

I've never been the "best" at anything. I've been good at some things, but never the best. I mean,  I was a former Division I athlete, but was never all that great..Truth be told, I played for some of the worst teams in the "best" divisions in Collegiate Athletics. I've never been the fastest, strongest, or smartest athlete. I was never the tallest, biggest, or top recruited athlete. No records to speak of, no accolades that were all that impressive..I was just.. good. The fact of the matter was, I only was able to be a collegiate athlete because I worked pretty hard. You might beat me in a race, or lift more weight than me in the weight room, but I will "out-grind" you..every time. I will use your strength against you, I will sneak up on you..and eventually..I will out perform you. I'll beat you.This type of thinking..ethic..is applauded in our society. Hard work is a good thing. I still believe that.

You see, I'm just a Ham & Egger. I'm not the cream of the crop of..anything. I have found that if I work hard enough,(harder than you), Prepare longer,(longer than you), and stop at nothing,(you will), I will obtain some degree of success. And people like winners..a lot. And I won..some..and I became that image..and that image was(is)..me. Success was everything, because my degree of success was ME. My identity.If this went away, so did the reason people liked me. Applauded me. My acceptance was based on my performance. Success was life. Failure was death. It was true in my youth in athletics, and it was true in adulthood in business. Unfortunately, this was (is), also true of my spiritual relationship with God. How could it not be? Everything I knew, understood, and cherished was based on my performance. This is reinforced by business peers, their compliments and "slap on the backs' after every successful Real Estate venture. And their silence is deafening with every financial stumble...and I would die a little with each stumble..which led to me working harder to"get it back" all of it. Ham & Eggers do that you know. We Chase.

What I know now, that I did not know then, is that as a Ham & Egger, I wasn't chasing after a starting position on the field, or being top developer in my community later in life. No..I was chasing after acceptance that would never satisfy, and trying to measure up in the eyes of someone or something that I never could. If I am honest and look back over my life, this has been the over arching theme of my life. Achievement...or lack thereof. I have always been trying to gain acceptance or measure up..and it just never seemed to be good enough. Seemed no matter what endeavor I undertook, I never seemed to be able to..quite get there. This was true in Athletics, business,relationships, and especially..God.

Yes, God loved me..gave this hopeless Ham & Egger a way out of an eternal Hell I deserved. But I was directly or indirectly told..for 25 years told.."now what are you going to do for God?" That my performance would determine my love for Him..What's a Ham & Egger to do? Well..succeed..cause if the world loves a winner, then God loves one too. Now, I had to perform for my toughest critic yet..The Creator of Everything. No pressure. I approached my "relationship" with God and my, "walk", like I did with everything else in life, because, frankly-the only difference was the stakes were higher.So, I chased God, I worked hard at understanding the "correct" doctrine. Caught on quickly, the Christian lingo and proper attire.  I would prove to God that He didn't make a mistake in me, that I would not be a Ham & Egger Christian! He would see that I was worth loving, He would be proud of me, I was going to be a winner for Him..Yes..I would be a Christian..and if anything is worth doing..

In short, I lived a miserable, guilt-ridden, sorry excuse for a Christian for the next 25 years. 25 years of being pounded over the head with every ounce of the weight of God's law. 25 years of never knowing God's love for me, only His wrath, which I was no longer under. 25 years of trying to earn the acceptance and love of my Heavenly Father, that I already had through His Son. 25 years of thinking not only was God disappointed in me..He didn't even like me much. Sure, technically He had to forgive me..but forget?..well..25 years of never hearing of God's amazing grace and love..25 years of complete and utter failure..again..I could not do it..like everything else..I just wasn't good enough..never quite made it..a Ham & Egger. Now..I've let God down.

I know I am not the only one with this type of story. There are others who have struggled with self-hate and feelings of not being accepted or loved unless you could please that parent or friend or..well fill in the blank. Feelings of never quite arriving. The good news of the Gospel announces that God loves Ham & Eggers, because, as it turns out, Ham & Eggers are all there are. The Gospel proclaims that we are accepted, loved, and forever pleasing, based on the performance of another. This news never gets old, or stale to Ham & Eggers..we bank on it. God's announcement of love for me, a love that states He would rather die than be without me? That God is not mad at me, that He not only loves me-but likes me? That He cherishes time with me and calls me..beloved? If being a Ham & Egger means that I have a King that is perfectly satisfied with me, and longs to be with..Me? Well..call me a Ham & Egger..