Husband, Father, and a Wholly Mess-Part 3 of 4 -Father

** This is part 3 of a 4 part blog series on the American Christian male in the 21st century. The Church has spent a lot of time on the failure of the role of the man in the family and the lack of proper parenting skills of this maligned specie. This is a touchy subject..and I'm convinced we are not doing it right. Father-child relations are failing..and I think I have an idea why. I'm a Husband, a Father and a Wholly mess...Can I get a witness?**

"Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged." Colossians 3:21
"Fathers do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:3

Where Do I Start..?

This is not only a difficult subject matter, but a rather immense and convuluted one. Not all of us have had fond memories of our dad. Some of us have never had a relationship with our dad. I understand and appreciate all the different nuances of this relationship and acknowledge that there is no possible way to address theses issues in a blog sized bite. So I won't. I have a more specific rant, as it were...

I'm scared. I'm afraid I am projecting my insecurities and my fears on my children. I know I am and I can't help it. I carry some of my dad's insecurities, and he carries some from his dad. Baggage. Pre-concieved notions. I'm guilty and it bothers me. I want my children to have their own insecurities and fears, not mine. I know my sin and I know my ugliness and I want better for them. The problem is the very thing I am being told to do is the very thing that is creating this baggage tenfold.

Sammy Rhodes said, " There is a way of hitting someone so hard they never heal..without ever lifting a hand." A word. A look. I have a feeling many of us are living with that word  or look from our fathers that have defined us to some extent. I know I have said things that I regret to each of my children. Here's the thing. The times that I have regretted how I responded or reacted to my children, in many cases, it was based on their performance. Many times I have reacted poorly, because of perceived expectations from family and/or church. If you are a father you know what I am talking about and it comes down to this: "I'm not cutting it. I am failing as a Dad. My children are misbehaving. My parents are giving me pointers. My church is telling me to lead my children in discipline. I'm trying, but it just seems to get worse! It seems all I am doing is grounding my kids, taking electronics away, policing what they are listening to, what they are wearing,and who their friends are. All I do is argue with them. They hate going to church, and I hate pretending that I got this.

Many things we say or do as parents is a result of feeling like we are losing control. This leads to trying to fix our children to come back under our control. This didn't work when I was a kid and it certainly isn't working with my kids. This saddens me to say, but many times my reaction has nothing to do with whether my children are being obedient or not. Their perceived obedience, or lack thereof, has more to do with whether their performance is reflecting a positive or negative image of ..me.  We feel the pressure from the church that the way our children behave is a product of my spiritual condition and my own obedience to the Lord. We feel pressure from our family to show that they raised us correctly, in turn, we are doing the same with our kids. Either way, we are seeking approval from man and not God. The sad part is-we are teaching our kids that their performance determines acceptance and love and not the performance of Christ on their behalf. This pressure, this burden, manifests itself in anger and discouragement. This, in turn, can manifest into licentious living or hopeless people pleasing.

Because I Said So!

I have witnessed professing Christians shun their own children on the advice of the church. I have seen parents place conditions on a child's repentance and restoration in the family and absolutely break the spirit of these children. I have also seen these same children revolt once again and usually for good from the oppression of judgement and condemnation they endure. I have seen heart broken parents go to the church for help and the church encourage these parents to "cut off" their children. I have seen the church guilt and shame parents into shunning of their children under the guise of being spiritual. Finally, I have seen this absolutely devastate families and relationships. No forgiveness without conditions. No acceptance without performance and submission and we wonder why youth are fleeing the church at a record pace.  

This sounds nothing like the gospel and certainly flies in the face of the parable of the Prodigal Son found in Luke 15:11-32. Jesus does not put any conditions on coming to Him. Yet, we not only do this, but we are being told this is Christian parenting.  In Colossians 3 and Ephesians 6, Paul warns what this type of parenting leads to and its ramifications. Too often, we are teaching our children that to be loved that they must perform and if they don't they are out. First, out of the house, then out of favor of the church and God. If parents and the church want to be ashamed of something, be ashamed of that. Be ashamed that your egocentric behaviors have put your reputation before the love of your own flesh and blood. Does this sound harsh? Imagine being a 14 year old who is being told that love is being withheld until they conform? THAT'S HARSH! It is harsh because it is not only mean and unloving, but because we are giving them a distorted and false view of who God is and His love for us.

How many times have your children been given candy if they have memorized their verses for the week? Most of the time they don't even know what the verses mean, and are cramming to memorize them in the car before they arrive to church. What are we teaching them? God loves you if you perform and is disappointed if you do not. Guilt and shame is often used to "challenge"them in better performance and it never does. More Law will lead to feelings of self-righteousness if they memorized all the verses and despair if they do not. They learn if I can fake it- I can make it. And so do we.

Shepherd Their Hearts..

The message is wrong. Fathers are being directly or indirectly told that the performance of their child is a direct reflection of their leadership ability in the house. That isn't totally incorrect, but the problem is that they are prescribing the very thing that is prompting our children to rebel and flee the church..More law and control. The Law can show them what to look like, but gives them no power to achieve it.  I can make my child perform on the exterior through guilt, shame, word, and deed. None of these touch their heart to want to "do the right"thing. As a matter of fact, it does the opposite. They seethe with anger and become discouraged and just quit. 

We are hopelessly addicted to the Law. Paul knew this and it is why he warned against doing this in the above verses. He knew how we could manipulate our power to intimidate, shame, guilt, and eventually destroy in our quest to be seen as godly. Somehow we have associated the Christian life being about the performance of the Christian and not the performance of the Christ on our behalf. This translates to controlling and trying to fix our children into being well behaved little Christians that reflect well on you and your leadership. 

I have one job. Point them to Jesus. Our job isn't to control them so they do not make a mistake. It is to guide them, so when they do, they run to the only one who can heal them. Shepherding their heart in who they are in Christ secures their self worth and gives them confidence in God. This will, in turn, give them confidence in themselves by banking on God's love for them and not theirs for Him. By the way, a funny thing happens to us dads, when we stop trying to fix our children and just love them. We actually enjoy them more. We are more playful and affectionate with them. We are more transparent and repent more in front of them. We lead them to God's strength by,"boasting in our weakness."( 2 Corinthians 11:30) We lead not by example of hypocritical strength, but by meek confession.

He Loves me With an Everlasting Love..

The late Christian singer and songwriter, Rich Mullins had said,"In the end, all we really ever wanted to know is if we were loved." It's true for you and it's true of our children. I don't know a Christian father who doesn't want Jesus in their child's life. I am convinced that it isn't because they are lazy or not interested. It's because, in many cases, they do not know how to show love that points their children to the Cross. When they ask for help, too often the answer is the very thing that makes things worse and drives them further from you and God-more Law. Give them the message of God's Grace that will transform their heart and direct their life. It's Grace..it's all grace..

Now the good news. We don't have to be perfect to point our children to Christ. Christ was perfect for us. So..what do we do dads? How do we show them how important Jesus Christ is to you-their Dad?  Love them. John 13:34-35.  Show them the unwavering grace, and love that Jesus shows you every day. Hey Dad? Your kids love you. God loves you. They both long for a relationship with you. You are free to love them..both. Now..trust in the redeeming work on the cross, on the behalf of your child by Jesus. Point them to it. Guide them to it..and just love them.

Can I get a witness?