Husband, Father, and..a Wholly Mess

** This is the first of a four part blog entry concerning the Christian male in 21st Century America. A lot has been said about the leadership or lack thereof, concerning this demographic of the church. There has also been much criticism and blame for the success or failure of the family placed on this beleaguered specie. As a member of this much maligned group, I have something to say. Or rant, as it were. Oh..and it's probably not what you think..**

IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S..UM..OKAY IT IS YOU!

You want to know the three words that strike dread in many Christian males in America? Mens'Bible Study. I've seen these three words have the power to turn a 40 year old man into the busiest person in town and watch as they become reminiscent of a 15 year old school boy providing excuse after excuse on why they cannot turn in their homework for the day. These three words have the power to produce a terrible sickness that can flatten a perfectly healthy man for seven whole weeks, ( or for as long as the study lasts). But..we have and will go at times. I mean, we have to.. right? I AM a Christian, after all. And I am a man. Any self-professing Christian male would welcome a time to be..um well, more Christian and man-ish..right? Then why is it that I really have no desire to meet at 7:00 am on a Saturday and eat cold pancakes? I mean, other than it's 7:00 am on a Saturday to eat cold pancakes. I don't have much authority to speak on many things in this world. But being a member of this much debated and often misunderstood group, this is right in my wheelhouse and I am not alone. Let me explain.

About a month ago, I stumbled my way into church, directing my kids to their correct children study classrooms and forced a smile on of my face as I searched for a seat in a pew with my wife. But to enter the sanctuary, you have to grab a bulletin from the usher.  And there he was. The middle aged usher with bulletin in hand and the same fake smirk I'm sure I had plastered on my face. He looked exhausted and I wondered if he thought the same about me. Then it happened. He said it. "Hey, just want to let you know, we are starting a Men's Bible Study starting this Saturday morning at the church. We will then break into groups and meet during the week to discuss the study." "Oh I said. What's it about?" Like I had to ask. It's what it's always about-ME.."Well, we are going to have a short video on it during service." Nice save ace..let the video tell me.. Yep..definitely about me. If it was on the book of John or Acts, he would of said. No, it was about my failings of being a Christian leader. How I was not  stepping up and taking my role as husband, father and Christian seriously. My fake sense of excitement and absolute disdain for what came out of his mouth did not go unnoticed by my wife. "What?"she asked. "Why are you acting that way?" I mumbled something that could be taken as between, "Whatever is it that you mean, sweet dear?' to"Are you freakin crazy? No way I'm doing that!" I swiftly walked to my seat feeling the condemnation of not only God, but also, to a degree, my wife.

 The video was a  3-5 minute introduction to the heart of the Mens' study. I vaguely remember video clips of men talking how this course has helped them regain their place in the family structure and their God given roles that they had abdicated. It was called..get ready for this.."Be a Man". I threw up in my mouth a little. Let me get this straight. I have to try to find time in a schedule that has no openings to hear and learn how to..Man up? Great. Can't wait...then I hear,"Oh, and there will be food!" Cue grunting noises..

ACT AS IF..

Look. We aren't stupid ok? You don't have to appeal to my primal instincts and offer food, skeet shooting, paint ball, or golf, to get me to show up to the Mens' study and/or retreat. The reason I don't show up isn't because you didn't offer pulled pork to eat, or a horse shoe tournament to enter. The reason I don't show up is because of what happens before and after the paint ball extravaganza. Here is how a typical event goes..

Before: We mill around talking about work(we lie), family(we lie), and sports (lie a lot). It is extremely important at this time to not cuss or act in any way like you should not- or do not -want to be there. Do not let on that you or your family are struggling in any way. After all, we are men and Christian men to boot. We live by the adage,"Don't tell me how much it hurts, just deliver the baby."Besides, we are here to find out how men are failing in being not only Christians, but failing as men as well. Make sure everyone knows this does not apply to you and that you are only there because of your incredible faith in God.. and the pork.. and for Ed over there..I mean geez..look at him.. Poor sap..wonder what he did wrong?

All this is a smoke screen. Here is the truth of what is going on in many of our heads: " I'm a mess. I am scared to death! My business is struggling and  my wife says I'm not being the spiritual leader of the family. My kids seem distant and out of control. On top of that, there is absolutely no one I can say this to.. How do I tell anybody that I don't got this? I can't even go to God, He is so sick of me..I'm so tired.. I'm trying..and it just keeps getting worse.  If people actually knew me, they would be disgusted. My Pastor said I just need to trust God more..how do I trust a God who is mad at me? My family is falling apart and it's my fault. After all,  I'm the Husband, I'm the Dad..if they don't see it in me, they won't see it in anyone..everywhere I turn, all I hear is my failure..I know I'm failing..Help me!!"

During: The Pastor gets up and procedes to spit statistics of the failure of Christian families in the 21st century. Statistics on divorce rate, teen pregnancy, drug use, and why Pete Carroll passed instead of ran the ball in the Super Bowl. The reason for all these disasters,(okay- not the Super Bowl), is the lack of leadership by the man in these families and churches. He would talk about how we have bought into the culture's definition of what a man is. He would expound on the standards being lowered and how we have accepted them as what it means to be a leader. He would talk about the importance of separating ourselves from the world and avoiding the Victoria Secret magazine like the plague. He would go on about our lack of attention we are paying to our children and the evils of technology and the affects it has at the dinner table. He would express the need to "get our priorities straight" and quit watching so much television. Then...he would unveil how we accomplish all these things and "take back our families!" He would proceed to extoll on a 5 prong attack to become the men that God has called us to be. Do this and you can finally be called a Godly man. But you got to want it. ( Author note: I always loved that last part. See, if you fail..and you will..it's your fault. Didn't want it bad enough. You selfish bastard).

 Okay. So, give me the formula..and hurry! What is it? How do I save my family, have my wife fawn over me, and make God love me again?

 Well, the first thing you need to do is have a quiet time with God. Preferably early in the morning before the sun comes up. This allows you to "set your mind right"for the day and perform at higher level. You also need to have a family quiet time. This will consist of you reading scripture and praying with your family. You know-lead by example. Now, concerning your wife..make sure you have a date night. This needs to be weekly and make sure nothing gets in the way of it. Chicks love that stuff. You know weaker vessel and all. Let's see.. where was I? Oh, yes becoming Godly..Um..Priorities. Make sure you are spending time with your kids at night before bedtime. Bonding is important.  Games are great. Candy Land comes to mind. And finally, your vocation. It is important to provide for your family and work hard..as unto the Lord- He's your real boss. Just make sure you don't work too hard and screw up the first four things on the list,(see above). don't want to make money an idol now would we? Okay. That's about it. I know this might sound daunting. But don't worry. You won't be alone. We need each other men. We need to help and challenge each other to be Christian men. We need to be accountable to God and each other."There it is..the dreaded accountability groups. What happens next is you pair up with some other poor sap and pray and commit to God and that person to check up on them to see if they are "being all they can be." 

THE REALITY

After: With renewed commitment to God and with my new"babysitter",  I am finally going to do this! No more messing around! I'm going to lead my family and they will follow dutifully and God will love me! I mean it too. I really do! I want all these things and it's up to me to accomplish them. This sounds great! Confession time.. I cannot remember how many times I have renewed, re-commited, and signed on to this type of goal, friend. It lasts about a week. You see, something happens that knocks everything off the rails. It's called Life.

For example, you have to go in early one week at work to handle whatever emergency that needs to be handled. Pow! Quiet time destroyed. Your kids' recital, game, play, or fill in the blank activity, crushes your family bonding time-Boom! Oh, and you can never seem to get everyone together at the same time so you can tell them what the Bible means. Whamp! (that was a little sarcasm). Date night? Yeah.. see above. The truth is the one time you could actually figure out the night to go out, your wife was so pissed at you, that you would rather get a root canal than break bread with her! Kaboom! Now what?.. Wait! But I have an ace in the hole! My accountability buddy! Um..what's that? Oh.. turns out he is in worse shape than me. We agree, without verbally saying it, that "I won't tell anybody if you don't."and good luck. (Insert mushroom cloud icon here). It is now complete and done..and so am I. My wife is even more upset with me than before, because I "Never follow through with anything.' And, "you say you will change, but you never do." The kids are still out of control and I slip further away from a God who is as sick and tired of me as I am in myself. I vow never to go to another Mens anything again.  What's the use? I'm a failure in every way possible and God hates me..and I can't bear to hear it again.

HERE'S A THOUGHT-SET ME FREE!

Listen. Bible study is not a bad thing. Neither is personal quiet time or spending time with your kids. However, thinking that by doing any of these things will make you Godly- IS a bad thing. It's a bad thing, because it's not true and leads to despair or self-righteousness. See, that's what happens when you mix the law and grace and I am convinced we are not doing this right. Any of it. How in the world did we get here? How is it, that Christianity has become about the performance of the Christian and not Christ? How is it that we have taken the good news of the gospel and made it a religion of our feeble attempts to overcome and be good?

It is true, that men are failing as leaders in the church and in their families, but not because we are buying into what the culture's definition is of a man. Speaking for every Christian man I know, we don't have the faintest idea of what the "culture's" definition of a man is because we are too busy trying to feed our families. The problem is not that the standard for a man have been lowered and we have bought into them. The problem is the standard for a Christian man are too high, (perfect), and we, based on our own effort, cannot achieve them with any simblance of success based on trying harder and doing more. The problem is not that we are not taking our responsibility of manhood seriously. It's that we are being told our responsibilities are something that they are not. The problem isn't that we are lazy and love our sin more. It's that no matter how hard I try to be a husband who loves his wife like Christ loves the church, I can't do it on a consistent basis(Ephesians 5:25). The problem is not that I don't know what God wants or expects from me, (i.e. more Bible study), it's that I do know what God wants and expects of me and no matter how much I do..I cannot pull it off. The reason I try to avoid anything with"men" in it at church, is not because I don't want to learn about my God; it's because all I hear is how I am failing God. 

Nobody has to tell me, or any other man, whether he is succeeding or failing based on his performance. We are surrounded by the results of our performance or lack thereof. We go to work every day and are judged and rewarded based on how we perform. The result of feeding our families are directly based on our performance. How I perform in the world, either garners me respect and acceptance, or disdain and rejection. We get it. We understand it. It becomes our identity. We live and die daily on how we believe others, and especially God view us. If I believe God is mad at me based on my performance as a Christian man and no matter how hard I try to please him- I can't? One of two things will happen.  I will actively seek other ways to find acceptance and love; or I will withdraw to a point that I am not a factor to be criticized and rejected. Either way-I quit!

Here's a thought: Instead of pointing out my failures as a representative of God and my specie..set me free instead. Maybe my reluctance to get involved with church has nothing to do with my lack of desire to please God. Maybe it has everything to do with the message. Maybe the message of,"What are you going to do for God?" is wrong. Maybe the message should be "What God has done for me." Maybe the Christian life isn't about my performance or lack thereof. Maybe the Christian life is about Christ's performance for me. Instead of giving me more to do, give me the good news that God has,"come to set the captives free"(Luke 4:18). Give me the true and freeing message that God loves me as I am and not as I should be, based on Jesus work on the cross, and not mine as a Christian. Tell me that if the Christian life is burdensome and heavy, that it isn't from the King, because He said his yoke "was easy and light"(Matthew 11:28).  Remind me that when Jesus said," It is finished" He meant it. That if I am in Christ, my sins are forever forgiven, and Jesus performance is now mine (Romans 5:8). Tell me that I am judged on Jesus work not mine, His strength not mine. Tell me that His strength is seen in my brokenness.  That I am given the reward before my performance..and watch the grace of God transform me into the man that GOD wants..not you..not me.. and maybe not even the church..but God wants. Set me free from the burden of trying to measure up and be accepted. I can't. He did. It's mine. What's next?

God's grace set me free from the bondage of moralism and I will never be the same. I talk with men in my community every day and there is a common theme in all of them. They are exhausted trying to please God. They are worn out trying to be all the things they are told they are supposed to be. They are burnt out on programs, formulas, and self-help church programs that never last and leave them worse off mentally and emotionally than they were before the program. You want your men to grow Pastor? Of course you do. So, give them the source of this  growth,(the gospel), and set them free! Tell them Jesus isn't a program. Tell them Jesus nailed karma to the cross. Tell Them IT IS FINISHED! This will free your men to love others and serve. You won't have to guilt them into serving, instead you will see that they are serving.. Put your programs and pancake mix away and preach to them the good news of Jesus Christ...and watch what happens. Trust in the redeeming work of Christ on the cross for your men..and guide them..and watch the Spirit work through your men. 

 The desire of the American Christian male is to have healthy marriages, and children who come to a saving life in Jesus Christ. Our desire is to guide our families to the one source of life-Jesus. I am convinced that the reason we are failing is not our lack of desire to see these things come to fruition. It's because the only hope of any type of redemptive work in our families is being withheld from us. It's not for lack of want..it's for lack of the Gospel in our lives. The message is wrong. We lead not out of strength, but weakness. We lead not by our competency, but our confession and we are being told and taught the opposite, hence the results. 

This is my mission and I am certain of it. To reach out to my brother in Christ and tell him, "Come, let me tell you about a man who told me everything about me'(john 4:29).. It's not what you were told..He is not mad at you..You are free.." It is my prayer that this Carpenter from Nazareth is whispering to you..like He is with me.." come to me all you who are weak and weary..and I will give you rest.."(Matthew 11:28).  It is finished men. Let's go find a fellow beggar..and tell him where he can find bread..