Husband, Father, and a Wholly Mess..Part 2 of 4 Husband

** This is part 2 of a 4 blog series concerning the Christian man in the 21st century church. Marriages are dissolving at a record pace in the church. Although, not the exclusive reason, I believe I know what may be contributing to this rapid decline in marital bliss. I'm a Husband, Father and a Wholly Mess..can I get a witness?

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.."
Ephesians 5:25
"Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman..
1Peter 3:7

What Just Happened?

"We need a break." Those words from my wife hit me like a sledgehammer. Every insecurity and defense mechanism in my being hit full alert. Did I even hear that right? What the hell just happened?

I'm a real estate investor. It's what I do. I'm "all in", in most everything I do for a living. The Great Recession had taken it's toll on me and I needed a win. Badly. The 40,000 sq. ft. re-development on Main Street in my town would not only save my family financially, but would put me back in "the game", so to speak, and return to me the accolades and respect that I had not had in over five years. I needed this to work. I needed a win..

I drove people in the ground on this job. I cussed them, threatened them and fired them. Nine of them to be exact..and I was losing. It was -25 degrees and I had $11,000 monthly interest payment, as well as, a $8,000 power bill. I was  $300,000 over budget, tapped on my loan and not a sale in sight. What would people think? What would my wife think? Everything that made up who I was..who Shaun was-was at stake. And I was losing..

Meanwhile, things had not been going great at home. Accusations of "You are not leading our family', were met with accusations of my own. "If you would be a little more submissive, then maybe I could lead!"Long story short, we were trying to save ourselves by fixing each other. We were both spiritually drained from years of performance Christianity, which led to comparing each other to a standard neither of us could keep. Our marriage was slowly dying.

"No, we don't", I answered. "Yes..we do", she said. "I'm not leaving this house,"I countered. "Then I will", she said. And without hesitation..without even a pause, I said "You leave this house you get an attorney." And that..that was the end of myself. I was about to go bankrupt, My wife was leaving me and God hated me. With both of us in tears, I made my way to the couch for my evening stay. I had nowhere to run to and nowhere to hide. I was destroyed.

I reached for a book a friend had given me weeks earlier. It was a Christian book by an author whose name desperately needed a vowel. The book was called, "One Way Love", by Tullian Tchividjian. "Never heard of him. Probably just another person telling me how much I was failing and what I needed to do to be a "good" Christian," I thought. But I was desperate. "What the hell," I figured, grabbing it on my way to my night stay on the couch. About a quarter of the way through the book I thought this guy was out of his mind. Half way through I was praying it was true. Three-quarters done I was crying and by the time I was finished reading it, I was crying out to God.

Jesus Loves Me-This I know..

Could this be real? I frantically searched the scriptures. Romans, the Gospels. Back to Romans, then Galatians. I had it all wrong..God was not mad at me..He Loved me! The Gospel says that I am forever reconciled to God through His Son Jesus. My standing and relationship with God is based on the performance by Another-for me. God is satisfied in me by Jesus work on the cross and not on my work to be good or pleasing to Him. My relationship with God was not,"direction, not perfection."No, it is perfection-His! I Can't. He did. It's mine. What's next?..

The next morning I asked my wife if I could talk to her. She reluctantly agreed. Through tears of joy and relief, I tried to explain to her what the last 8 hours of my life had done to me and  what it means to us. I remember it like it was yesterday. I said:

"If you want to leave-leave. If you want to stay, and I pray that you do, then stay. I want to apologize and ask your forgiveness. I am asking your forgiveness because I have put a burden on you. I have put a burden on you to love me in a way that you could never love me. I realize it is not because you won't, but because you can't. I'm sorry. I'm not going to promise you that I will change. I won't promise you that things are going to get better. I will make you only one promise. I promise that I am going to love you. If you leave-I'm going to love you. If you stay-I'm going to love you. I realize now, that because I have everything I need from God, that I need nothing from you. Do I want something from you-yes, I do..but it is no longer necessary. Baby, God isn't mad at me..He loves me! I am free to give you love and grace that He gives me everyday, whether you deserve or want it, with nothing in return. Honey, I'm free! I'm free to just love you now and I'm so sorry." This was my wife's response: You are scaring me right now! By God's grace, she stayed and we are stumbling our way in a new found hope of the good news of Jesus Christ. Stumbling, repenting, resting..

It's Grace..It's All Grace

Our marriage is not perfect because my wife and I are not perfect. But here's the thing. We are loved perfectly by a perfect God. My wife doesn't need a husband that leads by strength. My wife needs Jesus as her Husband. And so do I.  Living out Ephesians 5:25 is not what we are being told it is. It is not by doing a list of "honey-do's" with a smile on my face. It isn't eliminating me for her. It is pointing her to Christ. How? By focusing on not what I am doing or not doing, but by focusing on what Christ has done. When the message of "It is Finished" is prominent in your life, you repent more in front of your wife. You speak more of your weakness and point more to Jesus strength. And guess what? A funny thing happens. I love my wife more like Jesus loves me (church). I think more of her and her needs and less of mine. I don't learn how to dwell with her, but I desire to understand her. It's Grace. It's all Grace. Love begets love. His love-begets my love..for her and my neighbor. This message is allowing us to heal in our marriage after years of performance crushing expectations of one another.

The focus of our performance as a husband, or lack thereof, is crippling our ability to lead our wives and families in the way that glorifies God. The burden of leading by strength, and not out of surrender, does not make me want to try harder and forgive more. It makes me want to compare often and just-quit. I am convinced that it is not for lack of effort or want by men to be godly husbands to their wives. It is that the message is wrong. Men are hearing about their lack of strength, and nothing about His strength for us. Until we start preaching Christ and Him crucified and not the believer and him bettered, we are going to continue to have marriages that struggle to live out expectations that can never be accomplished without the Gospel. 

Listen, resting in God's grace and love for me allows me to love my wife more like Ephesians 5:25 tells me to, because I am not focusing on my feeble attempts to do so. I am focusing on Jesus finished work for the church and His perfection in accomplishing it. Giving men a formula for failure and then blaming them for not succeeding in their tasks as husbands is not going to challenge them, Ok? It's going to make them want to give up. Telling them that your wife is drawn to God through you, by your competency is laughable. Ask my wife. Telling them that you show Christ through your confession-is not! I am convinced we are not doing this right and it is because we are, in part, being told the wrong message. Jesus came to set the captives free..Luke 4:18. If I am to love my wife as Christ loves the church, my hope is in Him who loved me first( 1John 4:19). The message should not only be how I should love my wife..but How Christ loves me. 

Can I get a Witness?